Depression, Religion, and NaNoWriMo

It seems to me that I've been focusing a great deal on religion and depression recently. The depression should be getting better--gods, I was actually smiling today for no obvious reason--but the religion issue? It keeps getting more complex.

1. I am Wiccan. I don't use spells, but simply focus my energies and those that I gather from the world around me. Still, I believe in the goddess as well as her consort and all other gods. When it comes down to it, I am the most polytheistic person I've ever met.

2. Two and a half weeks ago, I felt what Christians refer to as the love of God. While this is supposed to be a great experience, it only serves to trouble me. Christianity (in the religious sense, not the moral sense) goes against everything I beleive.

3. We're studying Buddhism in Exploring Religions. Everything we're talking about makes perfect sense, and is more like what I believe than even Wicca, down to the distinctly eastern worldview and the concept of anatman.

I could be a Buddhist witch; I could be a Buddhist Christian. I cannot be a Christian witch. That is the first choice to make: cyclical time or linear, one god or many, magic or piety. I no longer know what I want and I am no longer completely sure what is true. Really I just want to know--but how can I?

I think that I'm going to have a very religiously themed story for NaNoWriMo this year. I knew that writing like that--trying to force out 50,000 words in a month--was going to end with a highly biographical novel. It seems that the gods are determined to play their part in it.

And afterwards my self-imposed hiatus will be complete and I can revise Hunters of the Night.